Social Skills
The first key social skill is to be able to recognize the emotion that the other person is feeling. If this is incorrect, then all social responses flowing from the mistaken emotional identification will also be incorrect. The second key social skill is to respond in an appropriate and in-context manner. The context of all Christian social skills is Spirit-filled AGAPE love.
The first key social skill is to be able to recognize the emotion that the other person is feeling. If this is incorrect, then all social responses flowing from the mistaken emotional identification will also be incorrect. The second key social skill is to respond in an appropriate and in-context manner. The context of all Christian social skills is Spirit-filled AGAPE love.
Jesus And Emotional Recognition
Jesus was able to accurately read emotions in Himself and in others. This made His ministry very effective. Jesus judgment of others was not by sense perception alone for Scripture says He did not judge “by the hearing of the ear or as the eye sees” (Isaiah 11:3). Rather He judged by the Spirit of the Lord. His connection with God gave Him the perception, beliefs, wisdom and understanding with which to make accurate judgments about other people. Jesus’ advice on the topic of discerning other people was generally simply to look at their actions, not their words and especially to look at the fruit of their lives. (Matthew 7:20) Jesus recommended careful and prayerful analysis based on facts taken over time.
A Complex Task
It seems sophisticated neural processing is needed for the recognition of emotions and that it is based in an almond shaped part of the brain called the amygdala. (Damasio et al. found that bilateral damage to the amygdala impaired the recognition of emotion from facial expressions.) To give you an idea of how complex this task is, “affective computing” or teaching computers to recognize emotions in humans, struggles, even on fast computers, to obtain a 50% success rate on just 8 basic emotions. The complexity of the task of accurate emotional recognition means that it is a task we are learning all life long.
In Ministry…
Sensitive and caring ministry to others depends on being able to accurately recognize and understand the source of emotion in others. Without this skill pastoral care will be clumsy at best and damaging at worst. This is becoming increasingly difficult as in our multi-cultural societies ministry means reading emotions of people from different backgrounds, genders, and ethnicities than our own. Any pastor of a church of any size in the modern world will have to be able to read the feelings of people of half a dozen races and a wide variety of professional and economic backgrounds. We cannot run away from this challenge but must embrace the learning required to be emotionally competent ministers in a complex world. Interestingly some research done with the Penn Emotional Recognition Test suggests that introverts have better skills at recognizing emotions than extroverts. Thus quiet sensitive counselors and spiritual directors may indeed be the ones to look for when you want your emotions deeply understood.
Emotional Discernment Tips
1. Start from a neutral position as free as possible from your own baggage. The more emotion you are carrying – and thereby projecting onto others, the more inaccurate you are. A study by Walz showed that aggressive men saw more anger in other people than was really there. The aggressive men were projecting their own anger onto others. This mislabeling led to behaviour problems in life as they reacted in hostile ways to this perceived but non-existent aggression.
2. If you do have a great deal of pain, do not try counselling others until you have dealt with it. This is why I recommend that Christian counselors and ministers who have been recently divorced take two years out from the ministry until their emotions have been worked through. There is generally too much baggage there to be accurate in reading emotions and to be therapeutic in counselling.
3. Do not take the latest bit of psychology you have read and dump its conclusions and observations on everyone. In general look at the objective facts about the person first then, much later, employ your theories.
4. There is no prize for the hastiest judgment. Suspend religious judgments until all the facts are in. Hasty labeling of clients and leaping to spiritual conclusions is unwise and potentially damaging. There is plenty of time to come to conclusions, so use it wisely and well.
5. Listen to understand and not to judge. There is indeed a place for confronting sin – after we have fully understood the situation. If we seek to understand first and listen intently and with intelligence and wisdom our words of admonition will be far fewer, much more on target, and more easily accepted by the parishioner.
6. Expand your own emotional vocabulary. For instance use words like exhilarated instead of “up” and ‘satisfied” instead of “good”. By becoming aware of a wide range of emotional terms as they apply to yourself you will be soon able to pick up these finer emotional tones in others as well. Roget’s Thesaurus is a good starting point.
7. Use the “mirror principle” to work out what the other person is thinking. By the mirror principle I mean the observation that what A thinks of B is generally the mirror opposite of what B thinks of A. For instance if you think someone is very tall then you probably look short to him or her. If you think that certain people are quiet and polite they probably think you are loud and rude. And if you think young people are loud and over the top and energetic they probably think you are staid, quiet and a bit on the slow side. People are often seeing you in an exact mirror image of how you see them.
8. If you can get hold of a “chart of emotions’ do so. These charts have dozens of different facial expressions with the emotions labeled underneath. A counselor should be able to help you get hold of one.
9. Don’t just read one aspect of body language e.g. facial expressions, voice, body language or verbal statements. Survey the whole person and watch for patterns as a whole. For instance a person with their arms crossed may be just cold from the air-conditioning – not rejecting what you are saying at all. You need to look at all the other factors as well.
10. Try and figure out what they are not saying as well as what they are saying. For instance if a client talks freely about everyone in their family with the exception of their father – about whom they are totally silent, then there may be something worth exploring.
11. Study crowds and pick up on social distance, actions and reactions. The location of the person in the room , who they are talking to, how many people they move amongst and the degree of animation they are showing. For instance a person who is feeling timid may be in the corner of the room, the person who is feeling lonely may be on their own, the socially insecure may be glued to just one person etc.
12. Assume that even the most seemingly irrational behavior seems intelligent to the person doing it. Then try and work out what that reason is. What thought is behind it? What need are they trying to meet? What emotion is driving it?
Misreading Emotions
Most of us have an area that we “get wrong” consistently when reading others. A “false positive” is mistakenly thinking the situation is better than it is. Most men think their marriages are good when their wives think otherwise. Thus the men have a “false positive” when it comes to reading their wives emotional state. A false negative is when a person thinks a situation is bad when it is in fact good or OK. For instance a person from a rejecting family may see anger or rejection around them in normal friendly social situations. They have a “false negative” when it comes to reading others emotions. They “fill in the blanks” with rejection and find it difficult to believe they are accepted.
The Impact
False reading of other people’s emotions leads to mistaken actions and reactions on our behalf. People react to “shadows” instead of realities and defend themselves from perceived emotional threats that simply do not exist. We do not just react to circumstances we react to our interpretation of those circumstances - particularly the emotional perception – whether we are liked or disliked, accepted or rejected, valued or despised. Therefore people who habitually see the world as disliking them, rejecting them and despising them are going to find life tough going. This is indeed tragic if their fears are unjustified and their rejection is only in their own mind.
Sources Of Mistakes Errors In The Basic Facts.
Reliance on rumor etc. Filtering The Facts - so that some aspects are emphasized and some heavily discounted. Becoming Mystically Intuitive - “I sense in my spirit that so and so has a Jezebel spirit”. This often lacks an objective basis in fact or is a power play that makes the speaker look spiritual and perceptive and labels their enemy with a stigma that is difficult to contest or remove. False Correlations: “He drives a Mercedes so he must be a good person.” Lack Of Basic Insight: We may be unable to know the difference between “personality” and “character” and see past the mask the person is projecting.
Understanding Strange Reactions
Remember - to them their reaction makes sense. Firstly acknowledge the emotion as real. It may seem bizarre but it is never the less being expressed. Next, search for the concept that the person is acting on or reacting to. With the exploding teenager the concept they are reacting to may be “you don’t listen and you don’t understand”. Try to put that concept in a single phrase or sentence. Once you have boiled down what they are reacting to in one sentence you have probably got the gist of the matter. Then ask “why have they come to that conclusion, is it a mistaken conclusion or a correct conclusion, and what can I do to help the matter?”
Facts, Feelings & Identity What are the facts of the situation? How are they interpreting those facts and thus generating certain feelings? What are they sensing about their identity – is their core being under threat in some way?
Appropriate Expression Timing – There Is A Time For Every Matter Place – Private & Public Emotion Intensity – Strong With The Strong, Weak With The Weak Balance – Light & Shadow Emotional Truth & Authenticity – Don’t Fake It Till You Make It.
Love – The Perfect Expression
Emotions should be shared in a way that demonstrates true Christian agape love. The Holy Spirit wants to produce agape love in us and will assist us in this process. (Ephesians 3:14-21 NKJV) For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, {15} from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, {16} that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, {17} that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, {18} may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height; {19} to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. {20} Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, {21} to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Love Changes Us
1) We are strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner self.
2) This leads to Christ dwelling in our hearts by faith.
3) We then become rooted and grounded in love
4) We comprehend with all the saints the greatness of the love of Christ
5) That we may be filled with all the fullness of God. In this last section we shall try to explore this process and how it helps us with our Biblical EQ
The High Ground
The high ground of the spiritual life is agape love. The love of Christ transforms us and makes us like God. How we love ourselves, our neighbors, our enemies and the Lord are the big questions concerning our character and Christlikeness. Love is the ultimate in Biblical EQ
Loving Our Enemies
(Matthew 5:43-48 NKJV) "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' {44} "But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, {45} "that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. {46} "For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? {47} "And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? {48} "Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect. Loving our enemies is a sign of spiritual perfection. The path to spiritual perfection is the path of loving our enemies, overcoming our fight or flight response, exercising our biblical EQ skills and dwelling in a perfect benevolence towards all, free from animosity, hatred, revenge and the spiteful impulses of the flesh. That is high ground indeed.
A Definition Of Love
Love is a lawful and practical way of life, which we live out from Christ within us, in a common benevolent connection with God and with others. Love is not lawless, selfish or impractical. It is a way of life, not just a sentiment. It flows from Christ within us and from God. It is benevolent and seeks the good of the other. It involves personal connection to God and to others. This connection supplies the strength to love.
Two Balloons
Imagine two balloons, one large and impressive and highly inflated - but which has a slow leak. The other is small at the moment, but is connected to an air pump which constantly fills it. Over time, the first balloon will become flat. In time the second balloon will become immense. A broken, sinner connected to Christ, will, over the ages of eternity become “filled with all the fullness of God” and become a magnificent and splendid, immortal and spiritual being. Conversely a king or emperor that is not connected to Christ will be subject to decay and become an object of horror. Connection to the love of God is our only hope for sanctification and for glorification.
The Connection With God
Through the transforming work this connection works in me I gain mastery over the fight or flight response, over the flesh and all the wrong impulses it contains. Through this connection I find the power to be obedient and I obey, in the Spirit, not according to the letter. Over time the Spirit produces His fruit in me and I bear love, joy and peace and become humble, meek, patient, gentle, kind and full of self-control. I begin to love my enemies and pray for those who persecute me. I have the strength in the inner self not to retaliate. I become rooted and grounded in love and my world moves from being self-centred to God centred and other-serving. I start communicating with grace and ministering effectively and grasping the height and depth and width and length of the love of God until, many years from now, I am filled up with all the fullness of God.
One Spirit With God
(1 Corinthians 6:17 NKJV) But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him. (Ephesians 2:13-22 NKJV) But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. {14} For He Himself is our peace, who has made both one, and has broken down the middle wall of separation, ….{17} And He came and preached peace to you who were afar off and to those who were near. {18} For through Him we both have access by one Spirit to the Father. {19} Now, therefore, you are no longer strangers and foreigners, but fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, {20} having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ Himself being the chief corner stone, {21} in whom the whole building, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord, {22} in whom you also are being built together for a dwelling place of God in the Spirit.
Maintaining The Connection
God has brought us near by the blood of Christ, which cleanses us from sin and allows us to approach the throne of grace in time of need (Hebrews 4:14-16). We have access to the Father through the Spirit and this access is so intimate that Paul says we are joined to the Lord and one spirit with Him (1 Corinthians 6:17). We are at peace with God (Romans 5:1-5) and the love of God pours into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who is given to us. Yet as we saw earlier we can grieve and quench and resist the Spirit by sinning. Maintaining the connection means maintaining a good relationship with the Holy Spirit who is our access to God (Ephesians 2:18).
Maintaining The Connection
To keep that connection wide open and draw near to God we must purify our hearts if we are double-minded and put away sin (James 4:8). We also need to deal with speculative spirituality that can disconnect us from the Head which is Christ (Colossians 2:19). We have to flee greed and worldliness and the love of money and pursue virtue as Timothy did so that we may lay hold of eternal life (1 Timothy 6:10-12). Keeping our connection strong may involve some vigorous effort, in the midst of persecution we may have to hold fast and not deny the faith. (Revelation 2:13).
The Connection Is Safe
The relationship with God is rock solid on His side. We do not have to do anything to please Him. We are justified by faith alone and not by any works of the law. We are safe in grace. Its like a marriage in a country where there is no possibility of divorce. You can sin all your like in that marriage and legally it will never rupture. It is rock solid. But if the husband loves his wife and values their relationship he will not sin against her. Similarly we are safe with God, and legally speaking the relationship is rock solid, we can sin a great deal and still He will be faithful even though we are faithless (2 Timothy 2:13). But if we did so the transforming relationship of agape love would be in tatters. The Spirit-filled Christian has no desire to grieve Him, and so chooses not to sin, not because they “have to” in order to get into heaven, but because they want to in order to know Him more fully and because they want to be transformed by His love being poured out into their hearts through the Holy Spirit.
Love Makes Us Like Jesus
As we love, we fulfill the Law (Romans 13:10), become imitators of God (Ephesians 5:1,2), and perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect (Matthew 5:43-48). As we love Christ we attain to all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:19). We abide in God and He abides in us (1 John 4:16), and we become like Him (1 John 3:1-3) and share key aspects of His nature so the apostle can say “as He is, we are”. (1 John 4:17). God intends us to be like Jesus, in every aspect and to be full of love. That is, we are to be spiritual, eternal, loving, wise and mature like Jesus is. Our destiny is to bear his image (Romans 8:28-31) and we will be eternal, and immortal, and clothed in a spiritual body, (1 Corinthians 15: 42-54). We will be so like Him that Jesus will not be ashamed to call us brethren (Hebrews 2:11-17). God has done something magnificent in us by grace, and seated us in heavenly realms with himself that the succeeding ages may marvel (Ephesians 2:4-7).
Restoring Love
1) Renew worship so it is absolutely Christ-centred. Teach on the life and ministry of Jesus.
2) Fix Christian’s minds on eternity and seek the presence of the Holy Spirit.
3) Give people a vision for real biblical love and get them thirsty for it.
4.) Build unity around Christ and according to the Scriptures.
5) Follow the leadings of the Holy Spirit.
6) Engage in real, helpful practical one-another ministry (see Gene Getz’s excellent book on the one another commands). Love one another in deed and truth, not just word and tongue.
7) Try and build an adventurous, faith-filled learning community as described earlier in the presentation on Learning Organizations.
The Ministry Of Love
(Ephesians 4:11-16 NKJV) And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, {12} for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, {13} till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ; {14} that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, {15} but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head; Christ; {16} from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love
Jesus was able to accurately read emotions in Himself and in others. This made His ministry very effective. Jesus judgment of others was not by sense perception alone for Scripture says He did not judge “by the hearing of the ear or as the eye sees” (Isaiah 11:3). Rather He judged by the Spirit of the Lord. His connection with God gave Him the perception, beliefs, wisdom and understanding with which to make accurate judgments about other people. Jesus’ advice on the topic of discerning other people was generally simply to look at their actions, not their words and especially to look at the fruit of their lives. (Matthew 7:20) Jesus recommended careful and prayerful analysis based on facts taken over time.
A Complex Task
It seems sophisticated neural processing is needed for the recognition of emotions and that it is based in an almond shaped part of the brain called the amygdala. (Damasio et al. found that bilateral damage to the amygdala impaired the recognition of emotion from facial expressions.) To give you an idea of how complex this task is, “affective computing” or teaching computers to recognize emotions in humans, struggles, even on fast computers, to obtain a 50% success rate on just 8 basic emotions. The complexity of the task of accurate emotional recognition means that it is a task we are learning all life long.
In Ministry…
Sensitive and caring ministry to others depends on being able to accurately recognize and understand the source of emotion in others. Without this skill pastoral care will be clumsy at best and damaging at worst. This is becoming increasingly difficult as in our multi-cultural societies ministry means reading emotions of people from different backgrounds, genders, and ethnicities than our own. Any pastor of a church of any size in the modern world will have to be able to read the feelings of people of half a dozen races and a wide variety of professional and economic backgrounds. We cannot run away from this challenge but must embrace the learning required to be emotionally competent ministers in a complex world. Interestingly some research done with the Penn Emotional Recognition Test suggests that introverts have better skills at recognizing emotions than extroverts. Thus quiet sensitive counselors and spiritual directors may indeed be the ones to look for when you want your emotions deeply understood.
Emotional Discernment Tips
1. Start from a neutral position as free as possible from your own baggage. The more emotion you are carrying – and thereby projecting onto others, the more inaccurate you are. A study by Walz showed that aggressive men saw more anger in other people than was really there. The aggressive men were projecting their own anger onto others. This mislabeling led to behaviour problems in life as they reacted in hostile ways to this perceived but non-existent aggression.
2. If you do have a great deal of pain, do not try counselling others until you have dealt with it. This is why I recommend that Christian counselors and ministers who have been recently divorced take two years out from the ministry until their emotions have been worked through. There is generally too much baggage there to be accurate in reading emotions and to be therapeutic in counselling.
3. Do not take the latest bit of psychology you have read and dump its conclusions and observations on everyone. In general look at the objective facts about the person first then, much later, employ your theories.
4. There is no prize for the hastiest judgment. Suspend religious judgments until all the facts are in. Hasty labeling of clients and leaping to spiritual conclusions is unwise and potentially damaging. There is plenty of time to come to conclusions, so use it wisely and well.
5. Listen to understand and not to judge. There is indeed a place for confronting sin – after we have fully understood the situation. If we seek to understand first and listen intently and with intelligence and wisdom our words of admonition will be far fewer, much more on target, and more easily accepted by the parishioner.
6. Expand your own emotional vocabulary. For instance use words like exhilarated instead of “up” and ‘satisfied” instead of “good”. By becoming aware of a wide range of emotional terms as they apply to yourself you will be soon able to pick up these finer emotional tones in others as well. Roget’s Thesaurus is a good starting point.
7. Use the “mirror principle” to work out what the other person is thinking. By the mirror principle I mean the observation that what A thinks of B is generally the mirror opposite of what B thinks of A. For instance if you think someone is very tall then you probably look short to him or her. If you think that certain people are quiet and polite they probably think you are loud and rude. And if you think young people are loud and over the top and energetic they probably think you are staid, quiet and a bit on the slow side. People are often seeing you in an exact mirror image of how you see them.
8. If you can get hold of a “chart of emotions’ do so. These charts have dozens of different facial expressions with the emotions labeled underneath. A counselor should be able to help you get hold of one.
9. Don’t just read one aspect of body language e.g. facial expressions, voice, body language or verbal statements. Survey the whole person and watch for patterns as a whole. For instance a person with their arms crossed may be just cold from the air-conditioning – not rejecting what you are saying at all. You need to look at all the other factors as well.
10. Try and figure out what they are not saying as well as what they are saying. For instance if a client talks freely about everyone in their family with the exception of their father – about whom they are totally silent, then there may be something worth exploring.
11. Study crowds and pick up on social distance, actions and reactions. The location of the person in the room , who they are talking to, how many people they move amongst and the degree of animation they are showing. For instance a person who is feeling timid may be in the corner of the room, the person who is feeling lonely may be on their own, the socially insecure may be glued to just one person etc.
12. Assume that even the most seemingly irrational behavior seems intelligent to the person doing it. Then try and work out what that reason is. What thought is behind it? What need are they trying to meet? What emotion is driving it?
Misreading Emotions
Most of us have an area that we “get wrong” consistently when reading others. A “false positive” is mistakenly thinking the situation is better than it is. Most men think their marriages are good when their wives think otherwise. Thus the men have a “false positive” when it comes to reading their wives emotional state. A false negative is when a person thinks a situation is bad when it is in fact good or OK. For instance a person from a rejecting family may see anger or rejection around them in normal friendly social situations. They have a “false negative” when it comes to reading others emotions. They “fill in the blanks” with rejection and find it difficult to believe they are accepted.
The Impact
False reading of other people’s emotions leads to mistaken actions and reactions on our behalf. People react to “shadows” instead of realities and defend themselves from perceived emotional threats that simply do not exist. We do not just react to circumstances we react to our interpretation of those circumstances - particularly the emotional perception – whether we are liked or disliked, accepted or rejected, valued or despised. Therefore people who habitually see the world as disliking them, rejecting them and despising them are going to find life tough going. This is indeed tragic if their fears are unjustified and their rejection is only in their own mind.
Sources Of Mistakes Errors In The Basic Facts.
Reliance on rumor etc. Filtering The Facts - so that some aspects are emphasized and some heavily discounted. Becoming Mystically Intuitive - “I sense in my spirit that so and so has a Jezebel spirit”. This often lacks an objective basis in fact or is a power play that makes the speaker look spiritual and perceptive and labels their enemy with a stigma that is difficult to contest or remove. False Correlations: “He drives a Mercedes so he must be a good person.” Lack Of Basic Insight: We may be unable to know the difference between “personality” and “character” and see past the mask the person is projecting.
Understanding Strange Reactions
Remember - to them their reaction makes sense. Firstly acknowledge the emotion as real. It may seem bizarre but it is never the less being expressed. Next, search for the concept that the person is acting on or reacting to. With the exploding teenager the concept they are reacting to may be “you don’t listen and you don’t understand”. Try to put that concept in a single phrase or sentence. Once you have boiled down what they are reacting to in one sentence you have probably got the gist of the matter. Then ask “why have they come to that conclusion, is it a mistaken conclusion or a correct conclusion, and what can I do to help the matter?”
Facts, Feelings & Identity What are the facts of the situation? How are they interpreting those facts and thus generating certain feelings? What are they sensing about their identity – is their core being under threat in some way?
Appropriate Expression Timing – There Is A Time For Every Matter Place – Private & Public Emotion Intensity – Strong With The Strong, Weak With The Weak Balance – Light & Shadow Emotional Truth & Authenticity – Don’t Fake It Till You Make It.
Love – The Perfect Expression
Emotions should be shared in a way that demonstrates true Christian agape love. The Holy Spirit wants to produce agape love in us and will assist us in this process. (Ephesians 3:14-21 NKJV) For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, {15} from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, {16} that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, {17} that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, {18} may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height; {19} to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. {20} Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, {21} to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Love Changes Us
1) We are strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner self.
2) This leads to Christ dwelling in our hearts by faith.
3) We then become rooted and grounded in love
4) We comprehend with all the saints the greatness of the love of Christ
5) That we may be filled with all the fullness of God. In this last section we shall try to explore this process and how it helps us with our Biblical EQ
The High Ground
The high ground of the spiritual life is agape love. The love of Christ transforms us and makes us like God. How we love ourselves, our neighbors, our enemies and the Lord are the big questions concerning our character and Christlikeness. Love is the ultimate in Biblical EQ
Loving Our Enemies
(Matthew 5:43-48 NKJV) "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' {44} "But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, {45} "that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. {46} "For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? {47} "And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? {48} "Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect. Loving our enemies is a sign of spiritual perfection. The path to spiritual perfection is the path of loving our enemies, overcoming our fight or flight response, exercising our biblical EQ skills and dwelling in a perfect benevolence towards all, free from animosity, hatred, revenge and the spiteful impulses of the flesh. That is high ground indeed.
A Definition Of Love
Love is a lawful and practical way of life, which we live out from Christ within us, in a common benevolent connection with God and with others. Love is not lawless, selfish or impractical. It is a way of life, not just a sentiment. It flows from Christ within us and from God. It is benevolent and seeks the good of the other. It involves personal connection to God and to others. This connection supplies the strength to love.
Two Balloons
Imagine two balloons, one large and impressive and highly inflated - but which has a slow leak. The other is small at the moment, but is connected to an air pump which constantly fills it. Over time, the first balloon will become flat. In time the second balloon will become immense. A broken, sinner connected to Christ, will, over the ages of eternity become “filled with all the fullness of God” and become a magnificent and splendid, immortal and spiritual being. Conversely a king or emperor that is not connected to Christ will be subject to decay and become an object of horror. Connection to the love of God is our only hope for sanctification and for glorification.
The Connection With God
Through the transforming work this connection works in me I gain mastery over the fight or flight response, over the flesh and all the wrong impulses it contains. Through this connection I find the power to be obedient and I obey, in the Spirit, not according to the letter. Over time the Spirit produces His fruit in me and I bear love, joy and peace and become humble, meek, patient, gentle, kind and full of self-control. I begin to love my enemies and pray for those who persecute me. I have the strength in the inner self not to retaliate. I become rooted and grounded in love and my world moves from being self-centred to God centred and other-serving. I start communicating with grace and ministering effectively and grasping the height and depth and width and length of the love of God until, many years from now, I am filled up with all the fullness of God.
One Spirit With God
(1 Corinthians 6:17 NKJV) But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him. (Ephesians 2:13-22 NKJV) But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. {14} For He Himself is our peace, who has made both one, and has broken down the middle wall of separation, ….{17} And He came and preached peace to you who were afar off and to those who were near. {18} For through Him we both have access by one Spirit to the Father. {19} Now, therefore, you are no longer strangers and foreigners, but fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, {20} having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ Himself being the chief corner stone, {21} in whom the whole building, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord, {22} in whom you also are being built together for a dwelling place of God in the Spirit.
Maintaining The Connection
God has brought us near by the blood of Christ, which cleanses us from sin and allows us to approach the throne of grace in time of need (Hebrews 4:14-16). We have access to the Father through the Spirit and this access is so intimate that Paul says we are joined to the Lord and one spirit with Him (1 Corinthians 6:17). We are at peace with God (Romans 5:1-5) and the love of God pours into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who is given to us. Yet as we saw earlier we can grieve and quench and resist the Spirit by sinning. Maintaining the connection means maintaining a good relationship with the Holy Spirit who is our access to God (Ephesians 2:18).
Maintaining The Connection
To keep that connection wide open and draw near to God we must purify our hearts if we are double-minded and put away sin (James 4:8). We also need to deal with speculative spirituality that can disconnect us from the Head which is Christ (Colossians 2:19). We have to flee greed and worldliness and the love of money and pursue virtue as Timothy did so that we may lay hold of eternal life (1 Timothy 6:10-12). Keeping our connection strong may involve some vigorous effort, in the midst of persecution we may have to hold fast and not deny the faith. (Revelation 2:13).
The Connection Is Safe
The relationship with God is rock solid on His side. We do not have to do anything to please Him. We are justified by faith alone and not by any works of the law. We are safe in grace. Its like a marriage in a country where there is no possibility of divorce. You can sin all your like in that marriage and legally it will never rupture. It is rock solid. But if the husband loves his wife and values their relationship he will not sin against her. Similarly we are safe with God, and legally speaking the relationship is rock solid, we can sin a great deal and still He will be faithful even though we are faithless (2 Timothy 2:13). But if we did so the transforming relationship of agape love would be in tatters. The Spirit-filled Christian has no desire to grieve Him, and so chooses not to sin, not because they “have to” in order to get into heaven, but because they want to in order to know Him more fully and because they want to be transformed by His love being poured out into their hearts through the Holy Spirit.
Love Makes Us Like Jesus
As we love, we fulfill the Law (Romans 13:10), become imitators of God (Ephesians 5:1,2), and perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect (Matthew 5:43-48). As we love Christ we attain to all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:19). We abide in God and He abides in us (1 John 4:16), and we become like Him (1 John 3:1-3) and share key aspects of His nature so the apostle can say “as He is, we are”. (1 John 4:17). God intends us to be like Jesus, in every aspect and to be full of love. That is, we are to be spiritual, eternal, loving, wise and mature like Jesus is. Our destiny is to bear his image (Romans 8:28-31) and we will be eternal, and immortal, and clothed in a spiritual body, (1 Corinthians 15: 42-54). We will be so like Him that Jesus will not be ashamed to call us brethren (Hebrews 2:11-17). God has done something magnificent in us by grace, and seated us in heavenly realms with himself that the succeeding ages may marvel (Ephesians 2:4-7).
Restoring Love
1) Renew worship so it is absolutely Christ-centred. Teach on the life and ministry of Jesus.
2) Fix Christian’s minds on eternity and seek the presence of the Holy Spirit.
3) Give people a vision for real biblical love and get them thirsty for it.
4.) Build unity around Christ and according to the Scriptures.
5) Follow the leadings of the Holy Spirit.
6) Engage in real, helpful practical one-another ministry (see Gene Getz’s excellent book on the one another commands). Love one another in deed and truth, not just word and tongue.
7) Try and build an adventurous, faith-filled learning community as described earlier in the presentation on Learning Organizations.
The Ministry Of Love
(Ephesians 4:11-16 NKJV) And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, {12} for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, {13} till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ; {14} that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, {15} but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head; Christ; {16} from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love
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